Finding Faith ... in a role reversal

Our mother, Lois, on the left, with my wife, Shelley.

Yesterday, I spent the better part of two hours filling out power of attorney and health care directive forms on behalf of my mother.

While I have been in charge of her financial and medical affairs for some time now, the need for the completion of these two critical documents was expedited by the fact that my mother is going in for shoulder surgery in about a month. And we just wanted to ensure that we had all of the necessary affairs in order.

We aren't being morbid, and the surgeon assures us that he wouldn't be doing the fairly routine surgery for our mother if he wasn't certain that it was safe. ... But, the fact is that our mother is 84 years old, and well when you are that age, there are no "routine" surgeries. ... So we prepare.

We first worked through the power of attorney papers that give me the legal authority to act on behalf of my mother in her financial matters, while she is alive. And then we worked through the health care directive that spelled out in detail the medical care she would accept and the care she wouldn't if in case she was unable to speak on her own behalf. The HCD also names a "health care agent" to speak on her behalf, if the need should arise.

It was all done in a business-like fashion, and now signed and legal. ... It was all so pedestrian that it wasn't until after we were down that I was struck by how monumental of a moment it was in our family.

My mother was always a strong, independent woman. She had to be. Our father wasn't much help when it came to raising us kids, and then she raised the last few of us essentially on her own. And she never made more than minimum wage in her life. So we grew accustomed to the strong-willed woman that was the back bone of our family for the past 60-plus years.

In fact, mom was still living on her own up until December 2019, and she was driving as recently as a year before that. It was only after some health setback that I encouraged her to move into an assisted living facility in able for her to receive some care assistance and daily medical care from nurses.

And frankly, even after she moved into her new home, she started to thrive again. The extra daily care, the extra attention paid her from the care staff and the nurses, and the increased social activity revived our mother's spirit. And she came alive again! ... She was busy playing bingo and attending other social activities, going to exercises a few days a week, eating the communal cafeteria where she struck up quick friendships with many of the women who also called the facility home.

Within a few weeks we started to see that special twinkle in our mother's eyes again, and here the joy in her voice. While she had been anxious about moving into the facility at first, she quickly came to love living there. We all breathed a sigh of relief.

And then along came the pandemic. ... Along with millions of other seniors, she found herself mostly confined to her two-room apartment, and without all of the amenities for which she had moved into the building. And then, within a few short weeks, her outlook on life dramatically changed for the worse. That is where we've been since. Oh sure, some days, my mother seems happier than others, but the signs are there. The pandemic has taken its toll on her mental health, and she is more frail than she ever has been.

The real kick to the stomach was that in December she was diagnosed with COVID, and spent 10 days in a special medical unit within the skilled nursing facility that is attached to her building. We spent a couple of tense weeks waiting to see how mom would recover, and thankfully for us, she did. Mostly. ... She still struggles to breath at full capacity and now is on oxygen most of the day. ... But, we still have our mother, and that is something that many hundreds of thousands of families cannot say.

And so now, we face another surgery with our mom. By all accounts, it should be a breeze, the surgeon tells us. ... But we now know that nothing is guaranteed. And so we prepared.

In the 24 hours since we finished the paper, what's been so strange for me is the unexpected role reversal. ... Me taking care of my mother. Granted, I've been expecting for some time. And it's been gradually building as I assumed one more responsibility after another, until now when I manage nearly all of my affairs. But, it now seems surreal that the woman who once cared for me and helped me get through so many of life's challenges has ceded the same role to me. ... Just in reverse.

It's a strange mix of emotions this role reversal brings on. I am saddened by what it means, but honored that my mother trusts me with so much responsibility. I'm longing for different days with her, days when she was so much more physically able, days even when she helped me care for our two boys when I was a single dad. But also learning to enjoy this newest time in our relationship as well.

I've tried to prepare as best as I could for this time. Over the years, I've spent a lot of time reading a ton of writing about the changing role in the lives of our parents. And I've spent a lot of time talking to others my age who are in similar roles. But it seems that you can never truly prepare for the moment when you've accepted the role of your parent's entire care.

Tonight, I rest in prayer while I prepare for this next iteration in our relationship, and yet also bask in the beautiful nearly five decades I've gotten to share with her. ... And so, despite the sadness that comes with the milestone of taking over power of attorney and health agent for your mother, I am finding faith in the Spirit's presence in it all. This is a holy experience, and I am thankful for it.