Finding Faith ... in something familiar

This morning, as I sat at my desk at work, I experienced a flash of anger. ... A quick, brilliant flash of irrational anger that made me want to break something. Yell at someone. ... Do something violent.

This probably goes without saying, that isn't a typical emotion for me. ... Frankly, I rarely rise to a level of anger, let alone a blinding blackness as deep as that was this morning.

And you know what's even stranger? ... Now, some five hours later, I couldn't even tell you what sparked the feeling. ... Gone from memory. ... Erased. ... But I absolutely remember the palpable, ugly feeling in my stomach, my mind, my heart ... my soul.

Luckily, I recognized the emotion soon enough that I was able to stop, take a deep breath and pay attention to all of the physical signs telling me that I was in distress. This doesn't come naturally for me, mind you. This is something that I've been learning for years now, and really only started in earnest when I started seminary four years ago.

One of the unintended byproducts for me personally on this spiritual journey has been me becoming more aware of my own past; the things that have shaped who I am today; my own feelings; my own natural states; my physical, emotional and mental being. And I am very grateful for how this journey has helped prepare me to be a more well-balanced person.

And all of that work paid off this morning, as I was able to immediately begin to prescribe some actions to myself to pull me out of the junk.

First, I had to "do." ... Do something, anything. Answer an email. Update our church's Facebook page. Clear my work phone messages. ANYTHING! ... Because I know that it is disastrous for me to all my brain to cycle on trouble. From experience, I know that I can obsess about so many worries, which isn't a productive activity for me. ... But, I also know from experience that action helps me quell my anxieties. And so I got busy.

Second, I realized I needed to do something for someone else. The science of gratitude is straightforward. We are more grateful when we are doing for others, and that selflessness can be a quick antidote to your own stresses. And so I set my mind to making some check-in phone calls on our parishioners. I've been trying to regularly touch base with as many of them as I can via phone. Some receive no other calls at all; others are well cared for by children or neighbors. Regardless, they all appreciate knowing that someone else is out there thinking of them. And so the phone calls are always gratifying, and they help serve to quell my own anxieties as well.

Finally, I decided that I was going to order takeout for lunch. Now, I already had a lunch that my wife, Shelley, had packed for me. But the idea of ordering from a nearby place that I love helped to turn around my mood. While I know the purchase wasn't necessary, nor would I have starved if I hadn't ordered from Poke Bowl, I knew that the familiar act of walking over to the restaurant, standing in line to make my order, smelling the delicious aroma of my rice bowl on the way back to work, and then finally the delight of being able to dig in, would be a certain balm to ailing soul.

And so, I did. After looking forward to the lunch for a couple of hours, I did just that. I walked to my restaurant, got my favorite rice bowl, brought it back to work, and enjoyed an NPR Tiny Desk Concert featuring "The Lumineers" while I ate in contentment.

These are strange days. I remind my congregation and friends and my family of this all of the time. I remind them to guard their own mental well-being, and to watch for their bodily signs. ... It seems that we pastors have to do the same. The caretakers need to take care ... of themselves too.

And that is why today, I am finding faith ... in something familiar (Poke Bowl!). ... Amen.